sistren dedication.

common traits:
from conversation to conversation one thing remains consistant. we all have our issues. women and men.specifically i'm speaking on my fellow sistren.wombangodisnot that queen title...save that term for theenglish as they like to call their women whores.so yeah.

over the years i've had many conversations withvarious women about similiar or non similiar interests. specifically lesbian women. maybe it's my need to know and need to analyze er got damn thang. but i've been wanting to get to the top of this for some time.

let's see: there's the she must be lesbian cause something must've happened with her daddy.or the not so great molestation stories many ofus seem to share. then there's the plain olejust wasn't presented with a choice.

this is mad informal so pardon me as my thoughtsmay seem jumbled and out of context. bare with me.

2 different conversations with 2 different women at once..neither of which knew of one another..but profoundly enough both talked about the sameexact thing at that same exact time. coincidence.no there are none.
i've found that as women we have a large amount of weight we are carrying around.. built upanger, hurt, frustration, pain, happiness, apathyand so on.....most of it carried over fromchildhood into adulthood and look at her now...
she's all fucked up mentally.
i'm fucked up mentallyher..
fucked up mentally.
internal self hate starts to attach itself like leeches to your center. next thing..your consumed in everything except for the right thing.self right..being what you need at that given momentto rid yourself of all those supressed fears and thoughts you've accumalated.

truth is..many of us don't realize how fargone we are. we don't look at ourselves seriously.i mean like seriously looking at yourself. i'm saying this as if it's an easy task...nah aint shit easy in life cept for some ass.

i've found myself in tears and wasn't sure asto why. many nights i've wondered why i havethis issue and that one..and why i've surpressed myself for so long....inside my own issues.where did the surpressing start? what triggered it?will i ever unlearn this behavior?

will i ever be free inside my own head? or willi always remain a slave to my carnal surpressed thoughts?
experience shapes us. they say the more u go through the stronger person you will become. shiiiid...i should be hercules then. but i'm not.all i know is i feel like i'm so fucked up on the inside....and most of it had little todo with me. but more to do with what happened as a child.

**it all starts at home. wondering what my fam would've done if i'd told them what really went downwith ccousin ray and i. would they have told me to "keep it on the hush"?

this brings to mind a question...one i've often wondered. why would a family insist on keepingsuch a tragic thing under raps? who suffers from this?i'll tell you who.....
she does.
she does
i do
you do
her children suffer
her childrens children
her
womb an

suffering = DUKKA
life is suffering.
pain and love are one in the same.that fine line of insanity. we walk these miles daily with hopes of someday beingas free as we can be. or as much as the government allows.lol. i mean we all know we not really free....right?

battered
abused
tortured souls
whores
tricks
raped

just a few of the many ills we women have sufferedand try to overcome. but many fall short but stillmanaged to pass the side affects on down through totheir siblings ar children.
*sighs.

*****i'm tired and i can't really write no more..so i'mma stop this here and and on as i see fit. cause my head hurts and i'm not in the best of moods or spirits.

sorry i'm on some carl thomas *emotional right now.
*dedicated to my sistren*

domain...looking

so i'm domain shopping.
who has info on good domains ...space that can host me! i got mad traffic so i need a nice place to call home.

thanks.

SURFACE FRONTS: EXPERIMENT WITH STYLE/DECEPTION

"TRUTH IS FROM THE INSIDE OUT,WE HAVE BEEN TRYING TO HEAL WITH SUPERFICIAL SURFACE FRONTS,DON'T GET CAUGHT UP IN THINKING THAT I AM NOT QUOTE UNQUOTE CONCIUOS. THAT I DO NOT LIKE TO EXPERIMENT WITH STYLE,THAT'S DECEPTION! TRUTH IF FROM THE INSIDE OUT! GO NICE WEAVE...DO YA THANG... "SHOOT ME CAUSE I WEAR WEAVE WHILE I GROW MY NATURAL!"

ummm, wtf? you know i'm bout to kill this right? you know your wrong for it....i just so happenedi was encouraged by a friendto visit your spot and i saw thisfor the 1st time....ummm.....lol

this is like seeing T.D. Jakes on 35 riding in the back of a Rolls Royce. WTF?

one thing has nothing to do with the other.

the fuck is the purpose of naturally growingyour hair but placing a wig on top? growth stunt if you ask me...and serious identity issues..a lack of self KNOWLEDGE. trying to exist between 2 different worlds...you can't.

your either dead or alive. good or bad.but not both simultaneously. maybe one or theother but not both at one time. impossible.

but

you are entitled to be you. but first figureout who the you is....without jumping onevery cool thing you see. natty afro on tuesday and silken asian weaveon thursday. screams I KNOW NOT OF SELF!

sorry: it's not about switching styles...thisis moreso about switching personalities to suit the IN crowds you drift among. your image of self IS DRIVEN BY OTHERS IMAGE OF YOU!

"stop to think what your doing"

this isn't a diss..i repeat not a diss. i'm "just keepin it real"

energy:create:fear

funny how life is sometimes. just when you thought everything was okay. your suddenly wrong. and everything you want to do has been done by someone somewhere..the idea. or ideas. or is it simply energy transforming and metamorphing(making words up) itself into becoming...it/whatever/everything?

we are energy, we can not be created or destroyed, we just change form

creativity. the blessing given by the creator. it is our duty to create some thing. that is the way of giving back. we are talented for a reason. whether we acknowledge it or not is yet another task. have you been creative today, yesterday or other day? any day?

"one door closes another door opens". this is truth. not looking past/back at what mistakes...but will use those as guides=insight=wisdom. we are all guided by something...which side are you on? we were born naked..only to be sheltered with layers later used to hide/bury.

fear. balance as means of existing behind so many layers upon layers. stifling yet crippling itself deeper into your normal routine, you realize your trapped. in fear.by fear for fear self. fear god. fear life. fear death. fear happiness. the positive in that? if there is one. erase fear. unlearn. the hardest type learning there is. undo not needed cycles/patterns/negative trends. oh that goes for friends too. undo. no hard feel. it has to come to this.


enuff of that. my eyes are crossed,
tossed slossed laid to the side....
ha! meaning: i'm sleepy.
i should be in bed. dreaming. of [u]. ?who? stop! [u]

music rant coming soon!!!!!