The unlearning/learning of Ms. Tutt

how does one determine when enough is enough? how do you know when you've reached that point. that defining moment when you know that you've reached that limit. no..not that barrier limit that i often speak on...but that limit after you've tried & tried to make all that's in front you work. whether good or bad..you've exhausted most of the possibilities....now your just....left with thoughts of the what nots...and what ifs. i've tested and tried this theory for myself. i've achieved and failed. but through each i've learned so much about me.

my strengths and weaknesses. i'm learning me each day with each experience. in which all cause me to grow. but grow into what exactly? i don't know anyone on this great planet that likes to fail at anything. i take failure very personal. but over the years i've come in direct contact with failure and achievements.. the last couple of years of my life have been defining moments in who tiffany is and was to become. i can recall the days of stability-something that i knew a great deal about.....i can recall those times...that i took for granted thining...that majority of my life would be that way. until, of course i'm thrown the greatest monkey wrench in my life game.....the ups and downs. or should i define them as tests of my personal truth(faith). yes...let's call em' that. tests. life is a test. moreso i'll make that comparison to the game of chess....one of which i don't know how to fully play....go fcuking figure.

i feel as if i've been wanderer. wondering through this life...unsure of where i'm headed. no direction or real focus. wait a minute....i've had focus in my life. but i will honestly say that i spent a good part of it focusing on things that weren't meant for me...but predetermined by others. once i was ready to face me and awaken these dreams to realities...i realized i had no real focus. i grew up thinking...hmmm, i'll get that job, husband, career, children.....yada yada.....and things will go accordingly. somewhere along the way.....i awakened. i wanted to know...self. so i engaged on this journey to find the real tiffany. buried in books, different groups and social scenes...i realized that none of those things really defined who i was. or what i liked or wanted for my life. this was age 26. hmmmm..... i learned @ 26 what i missed during my most primitive years....because i didn't take real time to find....out who and exactly what i was.

change. has been the most prominent lesson i've learned. and it is the most consistant. so used to things being a certain way...i was forced to make certain changes because i for one...didn't make them voluntarily. * it's true what they say..if you don't change on your own..you will be forced too! i believe that to the fullest...as my life is an example of that truth.

still, there's so much i haven't figured out and i've got much to learn. the process is an everyday one. there are the good days...and then there are the ones in which i never want to experience again in life. i've never been the type to contemplate the extreme when it comes to some shit i can't handle...but within the last 2 years i won't lie and say that i haven't had a small thought...of just ended everything. final. i'm too coward and i know there's a special place for those who take matters like that into their own hands. so that wasn't an option. and never will be. the only option is...to overcome my insecurities and make my thoughts a reality. there is no other way.

as i've wandered across this country in search of the real meaning of things...i realized what things were most important to me. i'd created habit of making those things that were of little to no importance...the most important shit. that is something i'm now...un-learning. i've bottled my feelings in for so long till i'd become an emotional ball of puddy. i'm un-learning that as well. with this i'm also learning that through my need to be open/vunerable it tends to make my closest friends/associates/lovers/fam very uncomfortable. but i won't compromise myself or hide that because you, can't really handle it...because all it really does it make one reflect on themselves...and we already know that the many of us are scared as shit to face themselves. besides..through my own issues i'm helpling you to face you....unselfishly. but yeah..... i'd been relying on people and things to make me happy and...that too...is being replaced with a more real point of view. no longer. if i don't repsond to you in the same manner it is of course because.....of change and my need to adhere to it....and also the need to just simply....do me. not doing my mother, father, girlfriend, or foe.

i'm simply doing me. so much seemed unclear to me....but i had to remove the blinders and get real. i can see things. can you?