on another note you must be careful of what you ask for and put out into the universe. because it will be fulfilled. as of lately i had been complaining about my job-the schedule and what not. random complaints mainly because i want change to take place. taking a job for less pay- crazy work hours does take it's toll on you. i tend to feel that i have less time to spend on my own projects. i've been motivated to doing things and change but it's a slow process which forever humbles me. now i do realize that i could be in a far worse situation. but it doesn't stop me from feeling these things. i give thanks for the now.
pardon i as i jump in and out of thoughts...............
next
i think back to how i was raised to be this independent woman-one that can do a lot of things on her own. but part of me lately has been wishing i wasn't so independent and that someone could or would take care of me. this has also been a pattern in past relationships. a pattern well worth breaking. because it is nice to have that same dependancy from your sig other. i can remember since the age of 10 i began taking care of myself in certain areas. i am that oldest child- so i carried much weight for many years...taking care of my brother and sister. my mom made sure that i knew how to cook, iron, change diapers, clean and a host of other shit. and i am so grateful for that! on the flip shit got a lil twisted when those same ideals were not instilled in my brother and sister in the same manner. i can recall feeling so helpless and boggled down with chores and shit and my siblings would be playing and chillin...lol.
i was mad jealous that they got to just be........no matter though we remained close even though i'd beat my brothers ass almost everyday...lol. but it brings me to present day-yo i remember when my brother first went off to college. that fool called home to ask ma how the fuck to register for classes....lol. i was thinking you lame jerk-u cant even register on your own....DeepENDANT!
im trying to figure what went wrong in my fam to where it has my mom so sick-hospitalized even as i write this....not that strong woman who raised me to reach for whatever dreams i had. it makes me especially sad to see her so tired...tired to move and reach for something other than nothing at all...sometimes i think if i were home then shit wouldn't be this bad....my brother's not helping the situation when he doesn't really aspire to do shit himself...and my mom sees that and im sure she thinks.... "where did i go wrong".....but would i be balanced by being home tending to my family's issues when i have my own? im confused at the thought really. but i do understand what balance is. and there have been times when i wasn't so balanced when it came to dealing with fam. fam has a way of influencing me from me. but this isn't about me- i be-lieve that life has nothing to do with me personally....it's moreso about how i influence and help others. this is how im judged in the EYE of the Creator....humbling thyself to an idea of serving and doing God's work. thus removing the focus from me. i am only a vessel through which the flow of God runs through. wishing well.
what i've devised is a plan to stay on my mom- helping her reach mental and physical clarity-in any way i can. i will call and just stay on her ass..thats what a daughter should do i believe..stay on my sister's ass and my brother. well i've got to really talk to my brother because he's a grown ass man..time to start behaving as one. we are all each other has and if we dont respect and love that it dies....sooner than expected.
still reflecting and praying for my family...all guidance and prayers are needed.
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